Why Cant I cope With the World

I have been wondering why I find it so hard to deal with life.  I know that we are to go to Jesus and we can always count on him but what's with the hard life streak that doesnt seem to be getting better??  I have my kids everyday that I love so much and don't knoww what I would do without them.  Sometimes I feel like I should drop them off somewhere and walk away ( I could never do that) I am so tired of the fighting and yelling and arguing, on top of all that we are so broke and me and joe arent that great!  Whats happening to our life why is everything falling apart?  I know that I have responsibility in all this but sometimes I sit and think that if I wasnt here I wouldnt have to deal wiht things,  I could just go to sleep and never wake up again, my kids would be ok they would be cared for, joe would be ok he could move on.  I almost hate this life and this world, I dont want to be here anymore.  Why is that?  I have (for the most part) great kids, a hubby (who even though we have issues) loves me, so why do I not care anymore? Why do I want to just leave everything behind? Where is God in the middle of all this? Am I not praying or reading enough? Am I just not listening?  I called the doc to start taking my looney pills again, after all I think I need them! Genevieve is crying right now, why wont it stop, why do the kids feel like they need to cry and whine so much? I cant take it! I hate it, I want it to stop!!!! I want the world to stop needing me for things.  You know what else I noticed, my so called friends from the church, yeah they are your friends when you have something to offer or are doing good but when your really down or have nothing to give they stop talking to you! What's up with that?  I get tired of people asking hows things going and you mentiona few things and they never ask you again or even if they can help or if you need something.  Hypocrisy I cant stand it!  Bearing one anothers burdens is what we are supposed to do as christians, where is that happening because I sure dont see it!  Everyone is so selfish, people dont really care and if they do then they are to caught up in their own lives and selfs to help anyone or even get close enough to care!

Having A Bad Month!!!

I have been so stressed out, and I am doubtung God in everything.  We have been struggling so much and I feel like the world is coming down on me, I try to keep my head up and keep going but finding it hard to smile.  I am tired of cleaning, wiping butts, and tending to everything for everbody else.  I love Joe so much and I know I shouldnt be negative, but I need his help to keep the house going.  I feel like we (me and the kids) have to compete with this stupid comptuer and him.  He says he tries to help but he ever does is point and click!! My commitments are over for awhile now, I just completed the last of them.  I wonder about God and where he is in my life right now, I dont feel like he is there or even cares.  I know that he is in control, and everything is under control but we have gave so much of ourselves and everything that we have and here we are not only did we take a huge paycut now the VA money that makes my house payment is 500.00 less thats about 600-700 more a month that we need to come up with in order to make our payments, we cant even pay the bills we do have right now, I'm a month behind on car insurance, car payment, cc payment, and still owe 600 to heating fuel! The kicker of all of it is we can get help from the state because we make 3.00 more then we are allowed.  I havent done things for people ever expecting things back and yet I have people tell me that God will bless us for things we have done, my question is where is he now?  Here we are struggling so much and yet nothing.  I know it's in his time and I know he promises to take care of us and it might be different then my ideas but man, cant he help out now.  I'm so frusterated and I start school here in sep.  then I will go to work at night and try to help, but worried how that will be because I will have to work late or all night then get up and care for the kids, I cant pay for childcare, so then what???   I guess I just need everyone to pray, thats all we can do

I Love the Alaskan Summers

Today it reached 80', I played outside with my kids and when joe got home he washed my van for me and I attempted to wash his car.  We have been talking about the whole pastor thing, and I had to be honest with him.  I love him so much and I know how much he wants this, but I dont think that I am ready.  I haven't been a Christian very long, and I don't feel like i'm spiritually mature enough to have that type of role.  There are some trivial things I am worried about as well, however they are trivial and not important.  He is hesitant now to move and go to school because we need to be on the same page, and I fully agree with that.....but when we actually take that step as pastors.  I figure from now till he graduates which is about 4-5yrs, the Lord can do a great work in me, maybe I will be ready by then and if not then who says we have to head a church right away? Who says there will even be a job offering right away?  I need everyones prayers, and I definately need the Lord to help me, and if this is his will right now, then to give me peace about the situation.  I know Joe will be a great pastor, joe would be great anything, he is so good with people.  People have told me that I would make a great pastors wife because I am honest and I have lived on both sides of the fence, this might be true but the responsibility.....yikes!

A Wonderful Day

Yesterday I spent the day with a good friend and her very good amusing boys!  One wants to be a detective I learned all about it yesterday, he made me laugh but I have no doubt that he will be a great detective one day!  After I put together a new BBQ for my husband, its his fathers day gift but he got it early since we BBQ almost everyday. Then I took a 1 1/2 hr bubble bath in our jacuzzi tub with my kids, we played and laughed and had the jets on, it was lots of fun, finaly they werent screaming!

Our Garage Sale Weekend

So this weekend is our huge garage sale that was confined to our little garage due to rain.  But we did make lots more then planned on, Thank the good Lord for taking care of us.  We had the pleasure of meeting many new people and a christian couple that are really great they have 11 kids!!  Thats so awesome I hope that one day the Lord will bless Joe and I with that many children.  You know what was really suprising, people actually looked at buying the bus!  That would be awesome!  However we did sell the motorcycle.   Two days down and one more to go,  Im praying that the bus will go.  :)

Whatever

So we got our settlement check from Joes accident we were able to pay all his medical bills, and we had 1500.00 left which we used for a few other bill we now only have one cc 4400.00 owed and my 2000.00 in medical bills then we are all caught up!  Still seems like a lot and is overwhelming at times, but hey at least we got that extra money to pay other things I am so thankful that the Lord provided that.  Soon is joe's VA appt, I pray alot about that one, if we lose that money then we lose the house, but if we get to keep it well it just depends on joe and he still wont answer. I cleaned my house the yesterday, what else am I suppose to do when kids are up at 4:30-5 in the morning???  I was done by 12 noon.  Still have a cough I cant seem to get rid of and so do the kids, will the sickness ever end?

I need the Lord's help

Well, life is hard and I have found it even harder to cling to our Lord!  Last night I just got on my kneess in the shower and begged for forgiveness for not having as much faith and trust in him as I should.  I have not been able to be a good wife or mother because of my lack of relationship and communication with God, but also being sick.  I'm so tired of being sick I would love to just get better!!!  But I guess things always get worse before they get better.  At least this is just a sinus infection and I dont need surgery, Thank the Lord for that!!! Now the question is me working, Joe doesnt know what he wants to do with school and I really need a decision.  I need to know If I should be packing or not, and I want to go to school but the hrs are 9-1 and I dont have child care.  I cant even pay for it since we are struggling now (the child care I mean, I was approved for some federal grants which is nice because I dont have to pay them back) So do I go to school and make life more interresting for a while or get a job?  Joe wanted to get another job because thats his job as the head of the house, which I can respect but I dont want him to he already has a job, and with joey starting school, after work is the only time he will be able to see him.  I also applied for food stamps yesterday, this is only a temporary thing, but some decisions need to be made now.  I prayed about everything last night and I hope that the Lord will answer me soon reguarding these matters.

Sick

Man Joe and I have had sore throats for about 3wks for him and 2wks for me, I went to doctor and I was tested for Strep throat but was negative, However I do have a sinus infection and so does Joe so we are both on antibiotics.  Why can't I just get better and not be sick anymore?????

To Move or Not to Move........That is the Question

So as many of you have read on facebook, we are planning to move.  Joe would like to attend Moody Bible Institute for a BA in biblical science.  The campus is in Spokane, Washington.  That is a big reason for our move however there is still the family issues that I would like to get away from.  Joey was very attached to his papa and because of a fight I had with my mother-in-law he has decided not to speak to us this has been going on for 8 months now.  My children ask all the time if they can see papa and bubbie, but the thing is it has been said that the kids are not welcome in their home because of Joe and I.  I am tired of trying to talk to joey especially about why his papa doesnt want to see him and why he isnt allowed to go to his best buddies house.  Pop and rena thought the other solution was to switch churches, hence why they no longer attend ours and go to the town church.  I have often wondered why God wont just fix this situation as it hurts me so much.  Others might feel that I am wrong to write this here, but you know what I'm tired of trying to hide everything.  I wish that I could say everything was ok even with Rena and I now, but the truth is it's not.  I still feel like I cant be the mother because she doesnt like the way that I do things.   Have any of you ever had trouble with an in-law that pertains to how you raise your kids? And how do you over come that? I would like to move because it would put distance between us and then Joe and I would be free to raise our kids the way we see fit without someone telling us or me rather that I am such a horrible parent.  Why wont God fix this? I pray all the time about this situation but I dont see the light at the end of the tunnel here.  How do I try to keep proper behavior with no ill feelings towards them when everytime there is communication its a fight?  It seems that I can never do anything right in their eyes, and that even started years ago with a phone call to my mother about how my now mother-in-law didnt like me.  Was our relationship doomed from the beginning?  Then Joe tells me not to let it bother me but how can I do that when I have to deal with her so much?  We get phone calls asking if we are going to participate in church functions, because if we do then they dont want to go.   Is this a game, such childish behavior, and why would I want them around our children? There is no sign of  good Christian behavior in which to teach them since kids are always watching.  I am only venting here, I love my in-laws very much and wish that we could have a decent relationship again, I just am tired of games so for me that is a good reason to move then we are out of sight and out of mind and they can have their perfect little life back and maybe even transfer back to the church (if they were gutsy enough).  If anyone has any advice in this I am open, I am not bitter, and I have given this to the Lord so my heart is clear, but how do you do this when its a battle everyday, and I am not acknowledged as the kids mother, or even the wife of their son.  Where do lines get drawn, how far does it go before there is no more contact? and is it a forever thing, would that be christian behavior? How do I handle this in a good manner while trying to express the love of Christ? Is it even possible?  Joe then heard of a school here at FWW so then do we stay and deal with drama everyday which makes me misrable, or do we go?

Yesterday........

I have to say for the first time in months I feel great!!!  I have been so excited today and yesterday, for feeling better and good friends are getting married!! WOW all in a days work.  I woke up the other day and I wasn't mad at God anymore, I started to feel like it was a lack of trust in him for some other reason. I have never really been one to question God, after all it's not like I can change His will for me.  I wondered why the Lord was putting me through so many things and the only thing I can think of is to show me (yet again...despite my best efforts) that He is in control of my life, not me.  I can't do things without Him, so I should just stop trying to right.....well i'm sure I will try again and I pray the the Lord will continue to put me in my place!  "Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid"  Proverbs 12:1. Years ago before I was a Christian, I use to think people like me were crazy, and very uptight; however the Holy Spirit had been dealing with me for quite sometime, I could always feel that I needed Him, but I never surrendered because I wanted to do what I wanted to do.  How many can relate to that?  If you don't that's amazing.  After surrendering to his call 4 yrs ago in Aug this year.  I finally understand that those people weren't in fact crazy they were happy and had something that I finally could call my own.  Joe and I were so bad for years our relationship was filled with lies, lack of trust, drugs, anger, verbal abuse, and to top it all off, we had a kid (my bubba), what in the world were we thinking let alone going to do.  When Joe had first come home from work and said he had been saved (well he didn't exactly say it like that....it was more a list of commands he started shooting at me)  I was very resistant because that would mess everything up (of course what else could go wrong in our little hate filled world) then the Lord really began to talk to me, I was filled with so much hate and anger towards everything which 1Corinthians 7: 28 says...But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, which I had obviously missed that part before the 'I Do'. So I had divorce papers filled out and ready to file with an attorney 1Corinthians 7:27 "Are you married? Do not seek a  and I couldn't do it.divorce.." I guess I missed that part too.  You see, when I married Joe it was "for better or worse" and that meant something to me but there was so much pain and we had a child that needed to be protected and so I was willing to walk away.  But after the Lord dealt with me and brought me to my kness with no where to go but to him, I did.  I learned what marriage was in God's eyes, that sacred covenant between Him and man, the symbol of true love.  I cried so much and had to make a choice, I was either going to try and help fix the marriage, this covenant that the Lord created and do what He wanted and honor Him or continue on the path I was on.  I know that my salvation was the Lord's will but I like to believe that it was also for Joe, whom I also believe the Lord put in my path 7 yrs ago to be my perfect mate.  Had he not come home that day a changed man, I dont know where we would be today.   So who am I to question the Lord's will, I tried it my way and that definately didn't make sense.  I have to just praise him for my life, for my husband, the children doctors once told me I would never have.  My heavenly Father is so awesome and so worthy of praise and I should do it more.  Despite all the wrongs in my life, He is still going strong for me.
                                              "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with 
                                               what you have, because God has said,
                                                    "Never will I leave you;
                                                        never will I forsake you."
                                                So we say with confidence, 
                                                   "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
                                                     What can man do to me?"
                                                                                                     Hebrews 13:5-6

Wow, is that not an awesome promise!!!!!
                       

Family

Well, today I started blog....I always thought it was weird to say that!  Recently I have been so upset with God for so many reasons.  The biggest issue is that of family.  Our family has been divided for about 8 months now, I have done so much praying hoping that there would soon be a light at the end of this tunnel, but to no avail.  I always wanted to have a family that could be close since growing up my parents were all screwed up one a drug addict and the other an alcoholic.  Joe's family is the only family I have here (outside of church), and yet we still cant seem to get along.  I wonder why the Lord is allowing such division? I have had issues with his family since the very beginning of my relationship with Joe.  I had alot of anger and even hate for his family until God intervened in my life.  Since I became a christian, I have watched the elder christians in our church and have been learning so much, but the struggle I have is with family that is so called "christian".  I pray and ask the Lord all the time to give me the grace to love them and not have ill feelings for them.  In fact I actually miss the relationship that I had developed with them over the years.  Joe is so calm about everything, as if he doesnt mind.  He has that on-off emotional switch I sometimes wish I had.  Why does the Lord want me to be emotional?  I often think that this is the Lords way of trying to test the limits with me.....how far my trust in him will go.  I dont often speak to people in the church about these things because so many like to gossip, and the story gets changed.  I have just tried to stay faithful to the Lord, but honestly it has been really hard!!  There has been so much that goes on, people living with us then not, and recently the departure of family back home.   When times are tough is when we should seek God more, after all "I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands."  Isaiah 49:15-16

I know these things but still hope for a better tomorrow.  My second issue is the fact that I have been so sick lately.  I have never been so sick and in and out of the hospital in my whole life!! I wonder why God has this happening now, why when I have 3 little ones to take care of would he want me down so much?  I have yet another theory; God is trying to give me more to relate to!  Joe says to remember that the Lord tells us he will never give us more then we can handle, I think to myself WHAT don't I have enough to deal with already, when is my limit?  But i guess in the midst of it all, he is right.  You know I have to remeber what is said in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans that I have for you; declares the Lord, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope."  Isn't that beautiful!  Even though I feel like everything is crazy and out of control, not a drop of hope or light in the future, God has given me that hope and future, even if I dont know what it is or when it will be,  he has promised these things and he is in control nothing is to big for the Lord.  One of my favorite songs is "What a friend we have in Jesus".  I remember singing.... have you trials and temptations, take it to the Lord in prayer.  That is such a great reminder for me that no matter what take it to the Lord in prayer because I cant do this on my own.  I have to say even though I have been upset with God, he can handle it.  He has also blessed me so much with a loving husband and father when we thought years ago our relationship was certainly over but the Lord had other plans for us, he has blessed us with 3 beautiful children despite doctors saying we would never have any, and a place to call home.  I have to praise him for being so loving and giving to me and for never giving up on me even if I had given up on him.  I love him tonight, and am glad to be his child.