Why Cant I cope With the World

I have been wondering why I find it so hard to deal with life.  I know that we are to go to Jesus and we can always count on him but what's with the hard life streak that doesnt seem to be getting better??  I have my kids everyday that I love so much and don't knoww what I would do without them.  Sometimes I feel like I should drop them off somewhere and walk away ( I could never do that) I am so tired of the fighting and yelling and arguing, on top of all that we are so broke and me and joe arent that great!  Whats happening to our life why is everything falling apart?  I know that I have responsibility in all this but sometimes I sit and think that if I wasnt here I wouldnt have to deal wiht things,  I could just go to sleep and never wake up again, my kids would be ok they would be cared for, joe would be ok he could move on.  I almost hate this life and this world, I dont want to be here anymore.  Why is that?  I have (for the most part) great kids, a hubby (who even though we have issues) loves me, so why do I not care anymore? Why do I want to just leave everything behind? Where is God in the middle of all this? Am I not praying or reading enough? Am I just not listening?  I called the doc to start taking my looney pills again, after all I think I need them! Genevieve is crying right now, why wont it stop, why do the kids feel like they need to cry and whine so much? I cant take it! I hate it, I want it to stop!!!! I want the world to stop needing me for things.  You know what else I noticed, my so called friends from the church, yeah they are your friends when you have something to offer or are doing good but when your really down or have nothing to give they stop talking to you! What's up with that?  I get tired of people asking hows things going and you mentiona few things and they never ask you again or even if they can help or if you need something.  Hypocrisy I cant stand it!  Bearing one anothers burdens is what we are supposed to do as christians, where is that happening because I sure dont see it!  Everyone is so selfish, people dont really care and if they do then they are to caught up in their own lives and selfs to help anyone or even get close enough to care!

Having A Bad Month!!!

I have been so stressed out, and I am doubtung God in everything.  We have been struggling so much and I feel like the world is coming down on me, I try to keep my head up and keep going but finding it hard to smile.  I am tired of cleaning, wiping butts, and tending to everything for everbody else.  I love Joe so much and I know I shouldnt be negative, but I need his help to keep the house going.  I feel like we (me and the kids) have to compete with this stupid comptuer and him.  He says he tries to help but he ever does is point and click!! My commitments are over for awhile now, I just completed the last of them.  I wonder about God and where he is in my life right now, I dont feel like he is there or even cares.  I know that he is in control, and everything is under control but we have gave so much of ourselves and everything that we have and here we are not only did we take a huge paycut now the VA money that makes my house payment is 500.00 less thats about 600-700 more a month that we need to come up with in order to make our payments, we cant even pay the bills we do have right now, I'm a month behind on car insurance, car payment, cc payment, and still owe 600 to heating fuel! The kicker of all of it is we can get help from the state because we make 3.00 more then we are allowed.  I havent done things for people ever expecting things back and yet I have people tell me that God will bless us for things we have done, my question is where is he now?  Here we are struggling so much and yet nothing.  I know it's in his time and I know he promises to take care of us and it might be different then my ideas but man, cant he help out now.  I'm so frusterated and I start school here in sep.  then I will go to work at night and try to help, but worried how that will be because I will have to work late or all night then get up and care for the kids, I cant pay for childcare, so then what???   I guess I just need everyone to pray, thats all we can do

I Love the Alaskan Summers

Today it reached 80', I played outside with my kids and when joe got home he washed my van for me and I attempted to wash his car.  We have been talking about the whole pastor thing, and I had to be honest with him.  I love him so much and I know how much he wants this, but I dont think that I am ready.  I haven't been a Christian very long, and I don't feel like i'm spiritually mature enough to have that type of role.  There are some trivial things I am worried about as well, however they are trivial and not important.  He is hesitant now to move and go to school because we need to be on the same page, and I fully agree with that.....but when we actually take that step as pastors.  I figure from now till he graduates which is about 4-5yrs, the Lord can do a great work in me, maybe I will be ready by then and if not then who says we have to head a church right away? Who says there will even be a job offering right away?  I need everyones prayers, and I definately need the Lord to help me, and if this is his will right now, then to give me peace about the situation.  I know Joe will be a great pastor, joe would be great anything, he is so good with people.  People have told me that I would make a great pastors wife because I am honest and I have lived on both sides of the fence, this might be true but the responsibility.....yikes!

A Wonderful Day

Yesterday I spent the day with a good friend and her very good amusing boys!  One wants to be a detective I learned all about it yesterday, he made me laugh but I have no doubt that he will be a great detective one day!  After I put together a new BBQ for my husband, its his fathers day gift but he got it early since we BBQ almost everyday. Then I took a 1 1/2 hr bubble bath in our jacuzzi tub with my kids, we played and laughed and had the jets on, it was lots of fun, finaly they werent screaming!

Our Garage Sale Weekend

So this weekend is our huge garage sale that was confined to our little garage due to rain.  But we did make lots more then planned on, Thank the good Lord for taking care of us.  We had the pleasure of meeting many new people and a christian couple that are really great they have 11 kids!!  Thats so awesome I hope that one day the Lord will bless Joe and I with that many children.  You know what was really suprising, people actually looked at buying the bus!  That would be awesome!  However we did sell the motorcycle.   Two days down and one more to go,  Im praying that the bus will go.  :)

Whatever

So we got our settlement check from Joes accident we were able to pay all his medical bills, and we had 1500.00 left which we used for a few other bill we now only have one cc 4400.00 owed and my 2000.00 in medical bills then we are all caught up!  Still seems like a lot and is overwhelming at times, but hey at least we got that extra money to pay other things I am so thankful that the Lord provided that.  Soon is joe's VA appt, I pray alot about that one, if we lose that money then we lose the house, but if we get to keep it well it just depends on joe and he still wont answer. I cleaned my house the yesterday, what else am I suppose to do when kids are up at 4:30-5 in the morning???  I was done by 12 noon.  Still have a cough I cant seem to get rid of and so do the kids, will the sickness ever end?

I need the Lord's help

Well, life is hard and I have found it even harder to cling to our Lord!  Last night I just got on my kneess in the shower and begged for forgiveness for not having as much faith and trust in him as I should.  I have not been able to be a good wife or mother because of my lack of relationship and communication with God, but also being sick.  I'm so tired of being sick I would love to just get better!!!  But I guess things always get worse before they get better.  At least this is just a sinus infection and I dont need surgery, Thank the Lord for that!!! Now the question is me working, Joe doesnt know what he wants to do with school and I really need a decision.  I need to know If I should be packing or not, and I want to go to school but the hrs are 9-1 and I dont have child care.  I cant even pay for it since we are struggling now (the child care I mean, I was approved for some federal grants which is nice because I dont have to pay them back) So do I go to school and make life more interresting for a while or get a job?  Joe wanted to get another job because thats his job as the head of the house, which I can respect but I dont want him to he already has a job, and with joey starting school, after work is the only time he will be able to see him.  I also applied for food stamps yesterday, this is only a temporary thing, but some decisions need to be made now.  I prayed about everything last night and I hope that the Lord will answer me soon reguarding these matters.